Rene Descartes
Rene Descartes
Universe Real Life
Debut Unknown
Appears in Unknown
Friends Unknown
Enemies Unknown
Lawl Team Unknown


Real Life

René Descartes emerges from the dusty urine soaked streets of seventeenth century France ready for battle.

Special Attacks

Neutral B - Dank Stare

Descartes will rise into the air emanating an ethereal glow. One second after he begins his ascent, it activates his typical intoxicating grin. Anyone in the radius of his attack will become instantly confused, stunning and immobilizing them for five seconds. However, if Descartes attacks any opponent while stunned by his Shit Eating Grin, they will no longer be stunned. This rule does not apply to other players not currently effected by Descartes. It takes five seconds to recharge.

B & Side - Pissed Emology

Descartes unleashes a torrent of demon-like fireballs on the nonbelievers in the command's direction. This move can only be performed every three seconds.

B & Up - Geometree

A branch like vine will sprout from Descartes' fingertips and grab on to any upward surface, then pulling him up to hang from the ledge. Press A while in motion to propel yourself straight into a landing jump.

B & Down - Late To Rise

Descartes will strike a meditative pose and rest, regenerating health. After Descartes' battle damage reaches above 200%, Descartes must rest every two minutes or he will begin to suffer minor constant damage as a result of too much activity. Descartes can be attacked while in a meditative state, but will continue to regenerate health. Press Y to wake up manually.


Descartes' eyes will begin to glow akin to celestial orbs as trails of smoky discharge are emitted. Any items present on the battle field will begin to swirl around him, slowly picking up speed, eventually to be devoured by Descartes. Cracks begin to appear around the platform he is standing on, from which beams of light will emanate. Descartes' long hair will begin to fly turbulently in the windstorm he has created. Any other players on the map will now be caught up in the hurricane, spinning around the Godlike Descartes, simultaneously screaming for their very lives. However he spares no one. Cracks will begin to appear in Descartes' very form, revealing the infernally luminous light contained within Descartes' mortal shell. Finally Descartes will scream in unearthly guttural tones "Ċ͚̺͚̀Ȯ͖ͮͪ͑G̶̗̤͙I̡͍̱̜̦̝ͮͅT̻͎̪͚̀ͧ̿ͨ͗̌̚͠Ȏ̻̫̤̤̦̫̱ ͈̇͗̈̐̇E̡͇̫͇̜̯̍́̓̌ͭR̼͇̻̩͋͗ͭ̓̽G̡͙̳̔ͧ̔O̼̿̈́̿ ̪̻̹̮̼̉͆̂͆̎͘S̨͇̟̲̃U͇ͬ̂ͦM", instantly exploding and destroying everything on the battlefield. After the dust has cleared, with a flash of bright light Descartes will regenerate, reappearing in his meditative state.


KOSFX1: "Fuck."

KOSFX2: "Fuck."

Star KOSFX: "Fuck."

Screen KOSFX: "Fuck."


Up: "Looks like I need to Decar-teach you a lesson!"

SD: "You just got schooled."

DN: *Sticks finger up own ass*

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